Tip Your Waitress Or She'll Spit In Your Food
by Lala to the power of 2
Summary: She looked from the waiter writhing on the ground in agony to the smiling Yato that had just sat down to resume his cocoa. "God, I love this town."


More Spontaneous Fic Generation, and this time not even a good one. I just wanted Kamui, really. And I have a secret passion for third-person perspective. Not thrid-person omnipotent- just random third person. Suffer or enjoy.

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In the Kabuki-Chou district, three blocks away from Otose Snacks (and therefore Gin-chan's Yorozuya), was a shop called Miss Pinko's Coffee. It was fairly popular, or at least enough to keep alive, and one of the best places in town to get gossip. Or, if you were new to the area, have the strange residents and frequent explosions explained.

A curly-haired waitress called Sumeragi had worked there for eight years, and probably knew the residents better than anyone. Which is why it was good thing that when a wide-eyed customer asked "What the hell was THAT?" at the sound of a loud crash, she was there to explain.

"Hm. Didn't sound like an explosion, so it must not have been the Joui or Shinsengumi. My bet's on the Yato siblings going at it again at the Yorozuya."

The customer turned to her, flabbergasted. "The Shinsengumi? Aren't they supposed to be the police? Why would they be blowing something up?"

Sumeragi shrugged. "Well, that's what happens when you give a teenage sadist a rocket launcher. I swear, somebody should really take that thing away from Captain Okita."

"Captain? The teenage sadist with a rocket launcher is in a position of power?! Whose idea was that!?"

"Commander Kondo. He's not too bright, but a good man. Comes in sometimes to complain about his love life. Poor man- no matter how badly that woman beats him up, he loves all the more for it."

"...And the commander in charge of the town's police force is an idiotic masochist?"

Sumeragi waggled a finger at the man. "Not masochist- _Romantic_. I think it's sweet."

The man just sighed. "What a weird place."

The waitress scoffed. "You don't even know the half of it. One of the most important leaders in the Joui Radical Faction is a creepy space monster that may or may not just be some guy in a duck costume. Named _Elizabeth_. And the leader, Katsura Koutarou, is an effeminate bombing maniac with identity issues and the tendency to have the same argument with his apathetic boyfriend about the ninja girl stalking him stealing his attention. And an awful sense of music. The KatsuRap? Ugh. Horrendous."

The customer deadpanned. "What the hell?"

"And that's not even going into the Yorozuya themselves. A stranger lot, I have never known. At least they replaced the creepy psychogun guys."

"Geez. All this and you've even still got a couple of Yato to deal with? How is there even anyone left in town?"

Sumeragi grinned. "Actually, there are _three_ Yato. It's only the brother and sister that get into fights. The girl works with the Yorozuya, as it happens."

"And the brother?" The customer was almost afraid to ask.

"Former captain of the Seventh Squad of the Harusame space pirates. Currently works as a... I don't know what you'd call it, per say, but he beats people up for money. You can get anything from an all-out assassination to a slap in the face. It's actually pretty lucrative- I mean, who's never known someone that just needed a good ass-kicking? You can get someone punched for just a thousand yen. Right now I think he's with some scar-faced ninja prostitute from Yoshiwara."

"A thousand for a punch from a Yato? That's... Actually a pretty good deal."

"It must be, considering how much business he gets. The other day he walked in, punched the manager in the face and said told him that he could consider this Ino's formal resignation, and then sat down and ordered a cup of hot chocolate. It was quite a sight."

"Good grief. Why the hell would someone go from captain of a bunch of space pirates to punching assholes? Seems like a step down in the world..."

Sumeragi laughed. "I asked him that same thing, you know. He told me that killing a thousand weaklings wasn't nearly as satisfying as one good fight, and that there was no reason to bother going through all the trash when he could have as much fun as he wanted just by picking on his cute sister. Yato are quite the race, huh?"

The customer whistled lowly. "And the third one in town?"

"Some one-armed guy. Shares an apartment with the other one, and works in pest control. The boss hired him to get rid of an anthill that had been bothering her, and he showed up with no equipment or anything- just crouched down and started squishing them one by one. We didn't actually think it'd work, but there hasn't been an ant in here since."

The customer shook his head in disbelief. "What a weird place. Maybe I should take the long way around when I come back from Kyoto." He said, throwing some money on the table. "Thanks for the drink."

"Have a good one." She called back as he left. With a quiet chuckle, she returned to work.

Not ten minutes later a young man slipped inside, closing a parasol as he entered. He looked up with a smile. "I was told I might find someone named Minami Itsuki here?"

Sumeragi laughed. "Well speak of the devil and he shall appear. But Ikki's not here right now- should be back in about twenty minutes when his shift starts."

"Might as well wait then. May I have a cup of cocoa?"

"Not a problem. Should I tell Sanji to start making a barrel or so of rice?"

"I'd appreciate it."

Returning with the drink, Sumeragi noticed something that had apparently been overlooked. "Um. You seem to have a kunai stuck in your back."

He looked over his shoulder. "Oh. I missed one." he commented lightly, pulling out the knife and discarding it casually.

"May I ask how you ended up a pincushion?"

He smiled brightly. "She turned me down again."

"I see. Maybe you should pursue less violent opportunities?"

"Where's the fun in that? If a woman isn't strong enough to stab me when she's annoyed, then she's not worth my interest. I have no use for some glassy-eyed courtesan."

Sumeragi shrugged. "Fair enough. Say, you would happen to know about that giant crash about fifteen minutes ago, would you?"

He took a sip of his cocoa. "Yeah. Kagura-chan and Gin-san found out that the glasses kid whose name I can never remember got a girlfriend."

She thought for a moment. "The sad part is, I don't need any more explanation. I can gather the rest from there. Do you know who she is?"

"Some one-eyed samurai girl. Jyuu-something, I think."

As Sumeragi was speculating, someone else walked in. "Oh, Ikki. You're early."

The young Yato looked up from the table. "Minami Itsuki? I have something to give you from your girlfriend."

"Eh?" His less-than intelligent response was met by a knee to the groin.

"She says 'Let's see how many girls you can fuck now, Limp-dick.' Have a lovely day." The redhead added cheerfully.

Sumeragi looked at the writhing teenager on the floor, and then to the Yato who had just sat down to resume his drink. "God I love this town."


End file.
